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If you thought my 'horrible day' post was too much information, best you stay away from this. It's not as emotionally harrowing, but it has its own gruesome edge.

One perk I have in spades from my Scottish/Spanish parentage: Hair. Thick, strong, shiny and lots of. That's a good thing...and in terms of modern beauty, a bad thing. Smooth and hairless everything-except-your-head is now beautiful. Even guys go for it, getting their chests waxed or the infamous back,sac&crack combo. Personally speaking, from what I can tell at the station, summer beauty goes like this: If you're going to show off your legs they should be brown(ish). To have brown legs you must tan them. This entails lots of sun (stop laughing hysterically at the back there!) or lots of brown paint. But brown paint on hairy or stubbly legs will patch weirdly and streak. Said canvas for brown paint must be smooth. And there is only one way to do that in a hurry...

Welcome. To The House of Wax.

There's this Asian beautician just down the road, who does everything, for ladies only. Hair, nails, pedicures, facials, massage, mehdi, you name it, she does it for half the price you find anywhere else in town.

She threads my eyebrows (as far as I can tell threading is just taking a miniature strimmer to your brows, but the line that results is far more elegant and natural than waxing) and tried to thread my upper lip once, to free me from those soft little downy hairs that even blondes get. This latter hurt too much, and I prefered to be tortured with hot wax than go through it again. Today I decided to extend that torture to my legs.

Since the accident, my legs have been in a forlorn state, full of bruises and cuts. Before I need a goat to graze them, I decided to get them smooth. No, not with a razor - I just couldn't bear the idea of anything sharp near them - so wax was the obvious choice.

Now I know it doesn't take The Batman to work out that hot wax mingled with hair suddenly yanked off may be painful, but it just hadn't occured to me. All I can say is Ow.
And when it came to the upper thighs especially Ow!

She had no mercy, she took the wax up to the very edge of terra incognita, pretty close to the point where the accident had done the most damage two weeks ago. 'Hollywood?' She said, 'Brazil?' Not holiday destinations apparently. The former is the removal of all hair from the area ('front and back!' she chirped) the latter leaves a landing strip at the front (at the back too for all I know, but I didn't feel up to asking) I declined. I honestly think my poor punani would stop being my friend if I put it through anything else right now, and besides, one has to wonder what kind of being makes a living from tearing hairs out of the skin in your groin.

Beauty is a strange thing. I don't exactly feel like a gossamer clad houri of paradise ready to lure my prey into my soft and yielding arms; I'm still strangely sticky and my legs look exactly like freshly plucked chicken drumsticks.


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 19th, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC)
I don't find waxing that painful, I actually quite like it, but then I get away with a 3/4 leg - so my lovely waxing lady doesn't go anywhere near terra incognita thank you very much.
But afterwards, yuk, I hate the sticky feeling and the plucked chicken look is vile.
Jun. 19th, 2009 06:02 pm (UTC)
You like it? I yelled the place down!
Jun. 19th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
different pain thresholds, different sorts of bods? Who knows. I quite enjoyed having a tattoo as well, although that hurt a lot more. Interesting sensations.
Jun. 19th, 2009 11:08 pm (UTC)
I'm not quite sure what to make of this... confession... ;o)
Jun. 22nd, 2009 09:27 am (UTC)
See, I like the hot wax being smoothed on. I like the smell and the feel of it. But my pain threshold is woefully low and all I can think about the removal is 'End this now or give me drugs!'

I'd be rubbish at having a baby or a tattoo!
Jun. 19th, 2009 03:21 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetie. I expect it's awful but I couldn't help but giggle. I think my pastey legs would look like drumsticks too!
Jun. 19th, 2009 06:00 pm (UTC)
I can't imagine what my backside would look like after treatment like this. Two scotch eggs in a sandwich?
Jun. 19th, 2009 04:21 pm (UTC)
Waxing hurts more at different times in the menstrual cycle, apparently.

And you shouldn't be sticky - she should have put after lotion and talc-type stuff on to make sure that didn't happen. Maybe that's why she's cheap?
Jun. 19th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
Hi there!

She used baby oil, but still. Not enough.

It's interesting, we've got two beauty places within a mile of each other. One is lovely, looks private and feels like a treat, full of expensive products...I stopped going there because the lady was really nice but she waxed my eyebrows badly. Never have I had so much reason to thank my fringe!

This place is much 'poorer.' She works every hour god sends, and she catches passing trade just off the train etc - it's walk in, you just sit and wait, which might account for some of the cheapness - no receptionist and precious little appointment making. it's pretty basic, more for getting stuff done than any sense of pampering, and her phone absolutely never stops ringing...
Jun. 19th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
I occasionally wax my legs, but only the bikini line once. Never, never again...
Jun. 19th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
A wise decision. I will take it as a gospel of my own and follow it without question!
Jun. 21st, 2009 04:16 pm (UTC)
Razors. Good quality men's razors and change the blade when it even thinks about getting blunt. They are the future.
Jun. 22nd, 2009 09:30 am (UTC)
I have always maintained this. But the job needs redoing so often...and of course, the tanning thing is a little bit more irregular on a shaved surface. Or so I am told by people whose bods are their livelihoods. Why the hell did I take the opinions of a bunch of Narcimasochists so seriously?
Jun. 22nd, 2009 04:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the tanning thing is why I've decided to embrace my Celtic heritage (and natural pale blue colour) for a few years now. Fake tan also makes the scars look spectacularly horrible.
Jun. 23rd, 2009 12:06 pm (UTC)
See, that same Celtic heritage (of the dappled variety) helps with lying about tanned scars. In the end they're just long freckles.
Jun. 21st, 2009 06:43 pm (UTC)
So, that local sports team...

They're doing well...
Jun. 22nd, 2009 09:31 am (UTC)
You think so? They were in the room next door getting their thighs plaited, all crying like weenies!
Jun. 22nd, 2009 10:24 am (UTC)
Thighs plaited ?

That's, erm, that's worrying that is...

I can't think of how to plait thighs without having at least three available.

Jun. 22nd, 2009 11:23 am (UTC)
It's a bonding exercise...that, or worth remenbering that you never said which sport.
Jun. 22nd, 2009 12:32 pm (UTC)
Bonding, oh yes, I can see that.

(Hmm) can I ask for the ladies wrestling team ?
Possibly not as a sport, simply as a personal request.

Jun. 23rd, 2009 09:18 am (UTC)
You're very brave!! I am experimenting with the scary creams at the moment as I bought 3 packs in a moment of spaced out weirdness in Sainsbury's. I was very surprised when I got home to discover that they were all in the shopping somehow. Shopping with kids must be a nightmare, it's bad enough if it's just me!!

The icky smelling creams don't last any longer than Thalinoviel's method, so I think she has a point, shaving may be the way of the future although I would say that the creams are scary too but not painful. If you do the shaving thing I very strongly recommend stealing manly shaving foam - we are being fobbed off with our lady stuff. Although I expect it is costing someone a lot when I nick it for my legs (tries to whistle and look innocent in case someone reads this!).
I had an epilator thing years ago which was painful but the results lasted like waxing and someone was telling me you can use one in the bath now which would be good for open pores I guess.
Ahh, the joys of being beautiful.
Jun. 23rd, 2009 12:05 pm (UTC)
Scary creams! Whenever I try them, they almost work, and I end up with gentle seams of smoothness next to roughness.

I've often wondered about epilators though. What exactly do they do?
Jun. 25th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
Epilators do the same job as waxing, but - and this is key, hurt *significantly* more than waxing. I can cope with waxing, when I'm feeling brave (and absolutely NOT just before my period, everything hurts more then) but epilators somehow hurt like hell (perhaps because they're slower? either way, eeeek!

Jun. 26th, 2009 07:31 am (UTC)
Thank you:-)
*Deletes Epilators from list of alternatives*

No more pain! No more pain!
Jun. 26th, 2009 01:02 pm (UTC)
No More Pain!
Down with that sort of thing!

One of the first things I would do, if I were suddenly made unfathomably rich, would be to book some laser hair removal. It's the only permanent change I can imagine making to my body that I'd be totally happy about.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )



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