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It's not me

What I am about to say is not the concoction of a fevered imagination. It is the result of a rather lovely day at RHS Wisley, where the gardens are enchanting but there's no getting past one deep philosophical truth about God. If such a being exists, S/He is utterly obsessed with sex and we may never be closer to the divine than when we are trying to get it on. Never mind beasts rutting across the earth and seas churning with white salt foam, forget gentle hints like oysters, carrots and roses; orchids thrust it in your face.

I believe the name derives from the greek for testicles, and the more you look at them, the more you see why. Some are great pendulous scrotal sacs, some are anal/perineum views, buttoned, shining moist at the centre...and it's as though they encourage all the other flowers to show themselves up just as disgracefully. Petals folding into yawning frilled labias, tropical seeds that open like long fissured vaginas, spikes of clitoral determination swelling out of them... apart from the cacti providing a demonstration of how veggie penises come ready condomed, there were hundreds of examples to prove Uncle Monty right in his assertion that flowers are tarts. Russ Meyer would have lost his mind in this place.

It was almost a relief to find an eidelweiss. Before I got to Wisley, I was expecting a very simple white star flower like maybe a jasmine; then we saw the orchids after which I feared to meet yet another gaping maw of vegetable lust. But no. Eidelweiss looks like its mum knitted it a woolly jumper that's been in the wash a couple of times. The flower looks as though it's made of felt, homely and reassuring and not about to bare its arse at you.

Of course, one can't answer for its behaviour when you're not looking...

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
caddyman
May. 25th, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
Plants are jolly rude, aren't they?
smokingboot
May. 25th, 2010 08:57 pm (UTC)
Filthy degenerates. I can't believe they hoodwinked me for so long.
velvet_the_cat
May. 25th, 2010 05:33 pm (UTC)
In yer face Ms Boot: http://www.annegilbertphotography.co.uk/photo_5672240.html

;o)

I confess, the thought had crossed my mind - perhaps in slightly less detail...

I really need to go to Wisley one day. Trouble is, all of the main RHS gardens are a pain to get at from here (or Brum, when we were there).
smokingboot
May. 25th, 2010 09:00 pm (UTC)
Naymacheesus!
Aiiieeeee!

And behind the gently withered sac - an eyeball!

I think Wisley will please you,there's an awful lot of it, and it has many moods. If you wish to ever go, using our house as a place to stay, you are extremely welcome. It's about an hour and 20 mins from here.
velvet_the_cat
May. 25th, 2010 10:42 pm (UTC)
Re: Naymacheesus!
Thought you'd like that. ;o)

Thanks for the accommodation offer. I shall definitely keep that in mind for future reference (and when I've saved enough to pay for a commercial photography permit to shoot there).
smokingboot
May. 26th, 2010 08:35 am (UTC)
Re: Naymacheesus!
Is it very expensive?
lucyas
May. 26th, 2010 06:33 am (UTC)
RHS Wisley sounds a wonderful place for a day out!
smokingboot
May. 26th, 2010 08:33 am (UTC)
There's a lot to take it (oo-er missus!)
smokingboot
May. 26th, 2010 08:34 am (UTC)
In! There's a lot to take in!
bytepilot
May. 27th, 2010 12:08 pm (UTC)
If such a being exists, S/He is utterly obsessed with sex and we may never be closer to the divine than when we are trying to get it on

Does this revelation not come built in as standard ?

(looks worried at humans)
smokingboot
May. 27th, 2010 02:02 pm (UTC)
Ah no, my dear angel. My sources tell me that the whole sex thing was just a phase God was going through.

Same sources claim that Satan may well have placed dinosaur bones across the earth to lead us astray while God was, um,daring us to stare at orchids.

Considering the innate sensuality of God, Satan's greatest victory might well have been in persuading us into disgusted celibacy.



bytepilot
May. 27th, 2010 02:18 pm (UTC)
Right you are then.

Mind you does confirm my intense disquiet about the concept of nuns.
God/ess gives out all these joyous toys to play with, they come free with every normally functioning human body, you don't even have to pray extra for them and you decide the best way to show respect is send them back like an unwanted christmas present ?

(fx of rolling up sleeves)
Sounds like I've got a little smiting to do...
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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