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Pole dancing

I can't dance. There has to be a word for physical stupidity; I don't mean mere clumsiness, add to that a lack of co-ordination and just a kind of strange spatial unawareness...

I had some glimmering comprehension of my inability before, at belly dancing classes attended in the company of lovely velvet_the_cat. I could move my hips but somehow, I just didn't grasp most of the techniques. Ever since november_girl's fantastic hen day, where a gaggle of us drank wine and tried pole dancing techniques all afternoon, I've been interested in this form of dance, not least because it seems like a ferocious enemy to bingo wings and flabby thighs. People who train loads in it are very toned.

Our teacher last night was one of these tiny toned women, balletic and bird-like. It was not in comparison to her I felt my first moment's despair. Looking around the room, I was definitely one of the heaviest there. Darn larians and his venison pies, duck a l'orange and apple crumbles! I have put on lots of weight again.

As to technique: Try 'The Swan'. Not a pub, though two minutes practice found me fervently wishing it was. There's your pole; stretch up and grab it, strong hand above the other. Now hang there, pressing your hips against the pole, lifting your bottom and legs horizontally out behind you in a diamond shape, crossing at the feet. Stay there. Unless you have a very mighty grip, your hands will slide down the pole, and you will crash into the floor with your knees. I was honestly elephantine, people wincing as they watched.

But this was not my greatest debacle. 'The Backslide' is not a tough move physically but you have to get your hands right, and I just could not, because and the move is very right hand led and I'm yer genuwine southpaw. I felt like Zoolander. The teacher showed me twice, and it just wouldn't stay in my head.


You are standing to the right of your pole, with your left arm outstretched, grasping said pole.

Bring your right arm across at an angle of 11 o clock, and turn anti-clockwise towards the pole.

Grab the top of the pole with your right arm, letting go of your left arm which you curve across your body and cup at the small of your back while you complete the circle. You should now be standing in front of the pole with one hand behind your back and your right arm in a tangled mess grasping the top of the pole.

You slide down.

Or maybe you slide after having dexterously* manouevred your right hand so it grasps the pole from behind, thumb pointing down.

At the bottom of the pole, you change the hand back to another position I just cannot get right. Basically, there are two, one is uncomfortable and the other really hurts. You want** the one that really hurts.

Recross your left arm across your front.

Grasp the pole with your left hand.

Keeping both hands on the pole, gracefully stand up to the side, curving your bottom as you do so.

I can stick my bum out. That's about it. And I must confess, I knew how to do this before the class started.


** More hah!


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:58 am (UTC)
Perhaps you need a different sort of pole to dance with?

A Pavel, or Tomasz, perhaps?
Jan. 11th, 2011 11:02 am (UTC)
We've had a Pavel round here. He put up our curtain pole.

I have no idea where I'm going with this...
Jan. 11th, 2011 11:10 am (UTC)
Maybe he's a post impressionist?
Jan. 11th, 2011 11:25 am (UTC)
Dear oh dear
*Puts head in hands*
Jan. 11th, 2011 11:53 pm (UTC)
It's no good, she won't be drawn.
Jan. 11th, 2011 01:12 pm (UTC)
You can dance, I've seen you, so less of that. However just reading the moves made my legs ache, so maybe pole dancing is a bit ambitious?
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:20 pm (UTC)
You are very kind! Leaping around with one's mates is such a pleasure it's impossible to get wrong...especially when they're so understanding of crazy gyrations! Choreography seems to baffle me. You'd think I could master left and right by now...
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:27 pm (UTC)
I do like ambisinister, and I've never heard it before. Increasingly, I find myself charmed by neologisms.Maladroit is, to my ear, a rather lovely, curiously elegant word considering what it describes. I have always regarded it less as generic clumsiness and more as an awkwardness of the hands. But this is an evocation rather than a feeling.
Jan. 11th, 2011 03:04 pm (UTC)
Blimey, and I thought skelneth's roller derby posts sounded painful!

Oh yeah, and you can dance. You did fine at the belly dancing and I've seen you at Eddie's/Jilly's! Tch...
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:29 pm (UTC)
You are much too kind! You were ever so much better at belly dancing, smooth and graceful. Lisa was forever demonstrating hip drops and arcane wiggles and you got them all. I cannot quite follow by seeing with your speed...I would hopelessly wiggle a bit and there you go! As for Eddies/Jilly's, well, I think we all groove on down with great aplomb. Tis the nature of our tribe!
Jan. 11th, 2011 08:42 pm (UTC)


Sorry. My small (somewhat arthritic) hands and wrists wouldn't survive a first attempt.
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:30 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure my hands and wrists have survived, and I have no good reason for it...except that the poles may have been oily. Yes, that'll do nicely xx
Jan. 11th, 2011 11:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you :-) I was just sat with my cursor over the 'add' button when your request came through.

And this is funny! I'm confused just reading the moves! Go you!
Jan. 15th, 2011 01:56 pm (UTC)
I suspect I make a simple thing very complicated...to someone less maladroit (thank you jfs) it's probably second nature!
Jan. 15th, 2011 04:35 pm (UTC)
I'm sure even the least maladroit (I like that word :-), but have I used it correctly?) of people would have difficulty, even if what you've written above is the over-complicated version. In essence it still baffles me! Good luck!
Jan. 13th, 2011 12:12 pm (UTC)
Sorry, couldn't get past the idea of a certain Boot polde dancing.
I got distracted by happy thoughts.

Filthy filthy happy thoughts.
Jan. 15th, 2011 01:57 pm (UTC)
You, my dear, are a very pure distilation of badness. See, you've even ruined my English!
Jan. 17th, 2011 12:06 pm (UTC)
I am transparent, volatile, and have been known to get you drunk.
Clearly very highly distilled indeed.

But Badness dear heart ?
You sting me dear heart, sting me to the very quick.

I've always been told I'm rather good...
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )



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