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Dear Boris

Thank you for your address to the crowds in Trafalgar Square at Sunday's Year of the Dragon celebration. Thank you for the wonderful way you followed on from the Chinese diplomat, who with gentle condescension informed us of how much we have to learn from China and that 'London would follow Beijing'.

I am not sure he really needed to know that Britain now exports tea from the London Borough of Sutton to China, but well done for spelling that out, holding up your finger and chanting 'Yes, Teee! Eeeeee! Ayyy!' at him in case he had any doubts. Full marks for swerving round potential references to the Opium wars, and best of all, tallyho for mentioning that the sport we all associate with the greatest Chinese athletes, pingpong, was in fact invented in London.

He doesn't know if you're a blundersome idiot or a genius of comic timing. And neither do we.

Dear She-Moses of Gerrard Street

I regret to inform you that the possession of two children does not automatically part a crowd for you; Your imperious cry of 'You there! All of you! Clear the way! There are young children getting crushed here!' could not have worked even if you held the rod of your namesake and the approval of mighty Yahweh, because short of throwing themselves through restaurant windows or impaling themselves on iron railings, people could not move at all, no, not one inch, I promise you, or they would have done just to get away from each other's armpits. Had the people around you tried to 'force their way back' as your partner suggested, other people (remember those?) including children could have been quite seriously trampled. There was a solution demonstrated by many in a most courteous and uncomplaining way; two of you, two children, four shoulders. Think about it. Every other parent in the crowd did.

Dear Market Porter

You really are an excellent pub. Cheers!

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