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The Circus comes to town

And behold! Contenders for the ringmaster's hat strut the big top: Cameron, emboldened by not losing the Union (now there's a qualification) fancies another go, Theresa May hopes to be all things to all men and Boris just flexes his joke muscles.

Consider the escapologist: Cameron has demonstrated that he can actually do this politics thing; he is slippery and fast when he needs to be, demonstrating a fine lack of regard for parliamentary procedure when his arse is on the line. It's an extension of his lack of interest in the opinions of the public - when it comes down to the wire, he couldn't care less about the opinions of MPs either. He'll make the dodgy promises, get himself out of trouble and mend and make later.

Then there is the juggler: All balls in the air, this is the truth and that is not, no this is the truth and this is another truth, no this is the truth and that is a - now put these all together and spot the lie, oh there it is! Damn the law courts! Don't they know how hard this is? Theresa May is not going to lead the Tories to victory, she's no Thatcher. Her lies are too small, too confused, and a bit vicious, like a terrier in a tutu. I have now mixed my metaphors and similes for her; it's the least she deserves.

And finally the beast: Boris may make party elders pray fearfully to a god they long ignored, but he has the shinyshiny and the party will love him. His lies will be grand, his buffoonery immense, and his madness immeasurable. He is a huge contender, and before his insanity, poor Ed will grow pale and Farage will seem of little account. Clegg, if he recovers himself, may provide a viable option.

Increasingly I believe that all party conferences should be held under striped tarps.

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