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Puta de cana

I don't even know what that means...it's a cuss for sure, something like 'Old Whore!' or 'Whore of a Policeman!' I think Cana has several meanings. My Spanish is well ropey, unlike my frustration, which is on the money.

I went to pick her up this morning. Either she's not in, or she's not answering the door. Because there is absolutely no way of getting in contact with her, I hared back here in case she decided to meet me in my hotel in central Granada, contrary to our instructions yesterday. She's not here either. So I am sitting in the salon on the fourth floor, updating here while my head settles and I try to work out what to do next. Maybe she'll turn up here. God, this drives me mad.

Yesterday was not easy for several reasons...There is a quiet but determined contingent holding out for me to have my wedding here, the whole protocol of timing/invitations remains a question unanswered, my mother is - or was, last time I knew - terrified and furious at the thought of me having a honeymoon in Africa, my niece is having her first communion in May, to which she very prettily invited Russ and me, and I don't see how we can make it. Also, the termagent is in great pain right now; how old she looks! I hate to see her in such low spirits. She can barely walk at all, and sits like a crumpled little rag at table, feet on the brazier. She is still full of feist though;
'Can you gently massage my back dear? Just there...you have such gentle hands, saint's hands...'
'Aunty, my hands are cold, maybe I should just warm them before -'
'No, no, it's the cold I likeJesuswhatswrongwithyourhands? They're like ice! Get away, don't even point at me, the cold from them is like a wind from the mountains. Are you trying to kill me?'

Mum dragged me around a number of horrible shops yesterday, determined to buy me something warm - I was fine but she didn't approve of my dress for winter - and finding advice for me on how to lose more weight. She even asked a woman who runs a local cake shop. This paragon has lost 'lots of weight in her face.' The secret, apparently, is Tai Chi. 'All very well,' said Mum, having bought half my body weight in cakes to take to the family, 'But you don't need to lose weight from your face. It's your stomach we need to deal with.'

She reiterated the sins of my stomach - from which I had proudly lost a few pounds, until I got here and started to hit the cerbezas - to my family when they asked if I would like a Sevillanas wedding dress. This is the kind of dress you see on many Spanish dolls and is a basic fishtail, fitted most of the way down, flaring out dramatically beneath the knees.
'No, we can't have her in one of those,' Mum announced to the family, 'Not until she's trimmed a bit. It's a shame, I saw a fantastic one yesterday.' I may take a photo of this glory and put it here as a permanent reminder of the enchantment that could be mine with just a few more situps.

Anyhoo, today. I don't know what to do about Mum. Do I stay here in the middle of town, do I go back to Zaidin? There is always the danger of me getting there just as she gets here. I don't fancy sitting here all day or travelling back and forth in a taxi trying to second-guess her. Pfff.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
nyarbaggytep
Feb. 12th, 2015 07:49 pm (UTC)
The massage conversation has made me giggle!
smokingboot
Feb. 13th, 2015 07:24 am (UTC)
I find her cantankerdom endearing. Other family members say this is because I don't live with it...
nyarbaggytep
Feb. 13th, 2015 09:13 am (UTC)
Yeah, I can see that.
november_girl
Feb. 12th, 2015 10:29 pm (UTC)
I hope she turned up. She is wrong about your tummy.
smokingboot
Feb. 13th, 2015 07:22 am (UTC)
I went back and met her as she was leaving her house - she hadn't heard me knock or yell.

Thank you for saying this about my tum... I guess the positive spin is that she has been a great encouragement to diet further once I leave Spain. While I'm here, I think I'm supposed to slim on a diet of churros and coffee.

I needed to tell her off very slightly when I was looking for a size 12 and she told me not to deceive myself; 'You are much bigger than that!' she said. As I really am between 10 and 12 depending on which shop I visit, I corrected her, only to hear 'Don't blame me, Mary Quant changed all the sizes!'
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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