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The Truth About Lying

Pancreatic cancer, they're giving him 2 months.

I got the news this morning and went to see my friend in the hospital.

I had been warned that he didn't want people to know, that he wanted to tell each in his own time...but the person who loved him broke down and told me everything. So I was to go and see him, but pretend I didn't know, pretend that I believed it was what he said it was - a perforated gut and intestinal infection.

So along I went, with my eyes wide open in that 'Gee, has something happened?' expression I will probably be buried with, and I remembered the truth about lying. You can lie with your face or you can lie with your voice but only the very best can lie with both. So I may be one of the very best. He watched me, his clever eyes checking. I ran out of small talk very fast. 'So,' I said brightly, 'Have you heard from Thomasina?'

'Thomasina?' His face dropped. 'She's dead! She died in 2008.' Oh God! I apologised profusely. He didn't seem to mind - but if he was looking for proof of my ignorance, that was it. No-one who knew would say anything so barbarically stupid. I had unwittingly convinced him.

We talked about stories to be published. He told me about his worries for our mutual friend, who seems to be suffering from certain symptoms of severe mental illness, and may need help, an advocate or something, to help him fill in forms to get PIP, and maybe even get a social worker involved. I said I would speak to our mutual friend, and I will, but how hopeless it all seems.

He talked to me about the morphine dream horrors. 'I saw the world,' he said, 'And it was trapped in a web of death.' And I held his hand, and nodded saying, 'Ah morphine, well you know, it's just...'dwindling chatter chatter chatter my pointless voice as the dark comes in.

He did not tell me the truth. I understand. From what the newsbringer told me, he doesn't want some kind of collective unconscious driving him towards death through believing it may happen.

After all, remission happens. I do not feel it as a possibility tonight, but tomorrow, I will make myself believe it.

Tonight, I may have bottomed out in unhappiness.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 11th, 2015 04:56 pm (UTC)
Horrible situation. Well done for getting through it.
I hope you are buried wearing an expression of deep satisfaction instead though.
May. 12th, 2015 10:05 am (UTC)
Thank you Baggy
I cannot feel that expression yet. Today, I go visit him again, with a friend so we can banter between us. I am very ready to be there for him, yet something in me dreads it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )



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