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I am finding everything a little difficult at the moment.
Breathing hurts a bit, and everything feels slow.

And I wonder why that is. After all, OK, Dad is dead, and this feels like shock. But why am I shocked? It is not as though we were close. I hadn't seen Dad in more than 15 years, and God knows, we did not get on for most of that time. We were virtually strangers.

And people say, 'Yeah, but he's still your Dad.'

I don't even know what that means. But I do feel something. I think it's the loss of what might have been. But that's not real. That might not even have been a possibility. He was one of my first connections to this world, maybe that's it.

I don't know. But there is stuff to do today, and somehow I must be up and doing.
Tomorrow will be the anniversary of a private post I put on here about making peace with death.

Well, no. It is fair to say that Death has been taking the p*ss. Fuck off You Boney Bastard.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
nyarbaggytep
Oct. 13th, 2015 12:31 pm (UTC)
When someone dies we lose the potential them, as well as the real them. Specially with parents. It's still real.
smokingboot
Oct. 13th, 2015 01:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you for saying that. I don't know what is real about any of this, so your words come as reassurance.

I have always disliked those who have life long feuds only to suddenly realise that they loved the other person once said person is no longer there. That used to make me grind my teeth; after all, it's the same person. What has changed?

I learned that it's not that simple. Maybe it is about dreams, potential, what could have been, as you say. My father's second wife talked about how he liked to go feed the chickens. He would just sit in the chicken run and talk to them. This is such a surreal image when I think of the hard drinking hard fighting philandering petrolhead that I knew, it feels like an alternative reality And I wonder why I couldn't have had that Dad, if he was any kind of possibility. But there you go, that's a little girl thinking...

Edited at 2015-10-13 01:01 pm (UTC)
nyarbaggytep
Oct. 13th, 2015 01:03 pm (UTC)
Little girl thinking is valid thinking too.
smokingboot
Oct. 13th, 2015 01:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you again, Cam. That's a really nice thing to hear.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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