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The Jitters

Here I am again, back and nervous.

The reason I am going to Spain is to see Mum, who is quite ill. I have taken a short film of myself in my wedding dress etc,so that she can advise me on it - her taste re beauty/clothes can be very elegant - not that she doesn't have her duff moments, but she generally knows her stuff, and as she won't come to the wedding, this will give her a chance to see the gubbins.

But suddenly I am really worried that she is going to be critical, of my figure, of my hair, of the dress itself.I am losing weight nicely at the moment - not so quickly as to make my face look drawn, not too slowly for my hopes of the day - but Mum is a natural stick insect, and enjoys the interesting state of mind where she can tut at my size ('Fat Fingers,' she told me, 'And there is far too much going on here ,' - waving dismissively at my chest) while insisting on feeding me churros and chocolate til I can't move.

But I have to steel up for the possibility that  she will call my dress ugly/ tells me blankly that she doesn't like it, She has always despaired of my lack of good clothes sense. Right now, I feel a bit vulnerable about it - on some level, if she says it's ugly, little girl me will believe her -  plus she'll do her nut when she realises I am on antibiotics, cos she has a mega-thing about sickness. Her answer to my melanoma was to put a plaster on it.

This is really silly, I realise as I write these words. The more I think, the more I don't want to go, which is truly lightweight.  It is time to pull myself together and go get my money changed.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
nyarbaggytep
Apr. 25th, 2016 08:30 pm (UTC)
I have always found you to have excellent taste in clothes, so I suspect that she might have despaired at your lack of good clothes sense, as much as your lack of agreeing with her as to what good clothes sense is, which is a different ball game. Forgive me if I am off the mark with this though, as I don't know her at all.

Little girl you might need to remember that Mama can be wrong, and that you are intrinsically beautiful and good enough just as you are.
smokingboot
May. 5th, 2016 07:39 am (UTC)
Thank you for such wise and kind words. They have been a real help to me.

They are also very true. She can be wrong. Little Girl Me knows that and needs to remember it.
jul1et
Apr. 25th, 2016 08:39 pm (UTC)
wise lady is wise....just sayin'
smokingboot
May. 5th, 2016 07:39 am (UTC)
She is. And you are too XXX
(Deleted comment)
smokingboot
May. 5th, 2016 07:43 am (UTC)
That is a very comforting thing to hear.Truth is, I don't really think much about clothes... I like things for special moods and occasions, but for the rest of the time jeans and T-shirt will do, and I'm a bit of a slob. My mother and my brother are much more acute in their observations of fashion, and they both find me a little gauche.

But I am pleased that you think I dress to suit me. It gives me more confidence. So thank you for such kind words.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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